Thursday, March 24, 2016

On Failed Adoptions...

My husband & I joined a club this week that we never wanted to be in...

Failed Adoptions...

Let me back up a second.  So, Obie & I are adopting again...well, trying to adopt again. In Oct '15 we signed with Christian Adoption Consultants (I highly recommend.) In Jan '16 with our paperwork finished, we applied to placing agencies and began seeing "situations."  We "presented" our profile to about 5 different situations and got 5 "no's," which we were okay with. We trusted God's timing and His plan. Then, on Feb 26, 2016 I got an email & a text from one of the agency workers, E.  She said she had a situation with an expectant mom named 'T'. T was pregnant with her 3rd child, although she wasn't parenting her first two. There were many unknowns. T had received no prenatal care, so we were warned that we wouldn't know anything about the health of the baby or whether there was in-utero drug exposure - And we were okay with this. We feel very open to whatever God sends us...either gender, any ethnicity, and a list of special needs, so we presented. A few hours later we got the call every prospective adoptive parent dreams of - Of the 3 families that presented, WE WERE PICKED!!! WE WERE MATCHED!!! We had prayed for this day! And we thanked God for this wonderful blessing! I was nearly doing cartwheels around the house, LOL!  Obie was so shocked!! (Me too!) Now it was time to prepare for a baby that was due in less than a month!

Tues. Mar 16, 2016 - We got a text that T was having contractions.

Wed. Mar 17, 2016 - St. Patrick's Day!  We got a text that T had given birth to an 8 lb, 10 oz baby BOY at 7:35 that morning.  I could not wipe the smile off my face!  We packed, gave our other kids lots of hugs & kisses, and made it to Ohio that night around 11 pm. T was too tired for visitors, so we headed to our hotel.

Thurs. Mar 18, 2016 - We met T, the father, and their little baby boy. T was super sweet. We felt so good about our match.




We spent the next few days loving on her little man. We fed him, changed him, and did a lot of cuddling! The hospital staff was even nice enough to give us a private room in the nursery.  During our time together I told him how much I wanted to be his momma.  His life was truly at a cross-roads - two very different futures were possible.


I wish you could see his face in this pic! His eyes are so wide and bright looking up at Obie with such innocence and trust! 



Signing was supposed to be on Sun at 8 am, but the hospital unexpectedly offered to let T stay another day, and she took them up on it. So signing was moved to Mon at noon. During our entire time there T seemed so resolute. She said she was completely committed to her adoption plan. She refused to take this baby home "to a leaky basement" (she lived in her parent's basement.) She wanted a better life for this child.

Mon. Mar 21, 2016 - I got a call from one of our agency workers around 10 am.  My hair was still wet from showering, and I was just getting ready to put a picture of the little man in an engraved frame that we had bought for T.  "I wish I had better news..." began our agency worker.  T had changed her mind. She said she wanted to at least try to parent this child...

We were shocked at how hard this hit us.  We had tried to protect our hearts. We were rational and logical - we knew this was a possibility... But it didn't matter... It hurt so badly... So much worse than we expected...

I was grateful for the long drive home.  There were a lot of tears.  I thought I'd never be able to talk about this or even think about this without crying, but here I am writing about it, and although I'm not "fine," I am okay. The dull ache in my chest is less & less...  But it wasn't only sadness, it was also guilt. I felt like this was somehow my fault. I had done this. I had brought pain to my husband, children, and myself.  I was the one who suggested we adopt...  And then there was anger. I was so mad at myself for being sad. How could I sit here & cry when I had so much to be grateful for? Thankfully, Obie pointed out how ridiculous that was. Just because we have 5 healthy children at home, doesn't mean we can't mourn the loss of our 6th. One child does not take the place of another. I heard a wise mother once say that her 9th child was just as loved and wanted as her 1st child. :)

Thank God for my strong, sweet husband who listened and comforted me as he was dealing with this himself. And for my wonderful family.  They were there for us in every way. Our parents watched our other children while we were in Ohio. Our oldest was worth his weight in gold - Seriously, he was an amazing help!  My sisters made me laugh when I felt like crying, sending flowers & chocolate to brighten my day. We are very blessed & so lucky to have such an awesome support system!

THANK YOU, FAMILY!!!


We still have so many questions... But we know they will probably never have answers. We still pray for T and her son. We hope they have a safe, happy future...

It's tempting to just walk away...just forget about adoption...move on with our lives...focus on other things....Protect ourselves from this EVER happening again...Because I seriously NEVER want to feel this way again... BUT we know that's not the answer for us. We still feel passionate about adoption, and called to add more children to our family through adoption.  We may not understand God's plan, but we trust Him. We hope and pray that someday, He will bless us again with another child.



"God can see the end of the story when we can only see the part we’re in right now. And we can trust that He’s still working in our lives, in good times and bad."

In Hope & Healing,
-Becky

Update: Just to be clear, we feel no ill will towards T. I didn't write this to paint her as the villain or us as the victims. We just wanted to share a part of our journey & recognize those who deserved our gratitude. I'm sure that her story would be just as emotional. Even though this didn't end the way we wished, we're still proud of her for choosing LIFE for her son, and we wish her and her family the best of luck in their futures!

2 comments:

  1. My precious Becky.
    I want to tell you a story that few people know. IT is one that is much like yours. It is a very long story. After the death of Carissa, of course our heads were spinning for quite some time! There came a time, about 1 1/2 years later that a family member came to us and asked us if we had ever considered adopting a baby. What had happened is that a friend of one of our family members had become pregnant and two of her other children were being cared for by the grandmother. The Grandmother said, "No more! You are giving this one up for adoption!" Of course after talking to our children and praying about it, we decided that this would be perfect for us! It wasn't long before we met the birth mom and really bonded. We had about 4 months to prepare so we started all the paperwork, home studies and all we needed to do. Fast forward to THE PHONE CALL! The baby had come early and she was a preemie. Of course, that wasn't a problem for us! She wasn't on oxygen and there were no problems, just more frequent feedings and less sleep. Lol! We immediately went to visit her. SHE WAS BEAUTIFUL! Each of us held her. We all fell in love with her big dark eyes, long dark hair and tiny little body. We stayed for a couple hours and then she told us that we could come back the next day and take her home. We all woke up the next morning, SO EXCITED and with the PERFECT PINK PREEMIE outfit to bring our new daughter and sister home. We drove to the hospital and she was there, waiting for us! The excitement mounted! And then it happened....
    There was a knock on the hospital room door and in walked the father of the baby with a "girlfriend." The birthmother was furious! She asked what he was dong there, and who was THAT woman! Of course, we were stunned! What proceeded to happen was like a horrible nightmare. The mother told the father that if he could afford a girlfriend then HE was going to take the baby home and raise her! HE proceeded to tell her over and over that he didn't want the baby. HE just wanted to see her. She gave him NO CHOICE! Before we knew it, "our sweet baby girl" was whisked out of our arms and slapped into the arms of a man that did not want her and far worse, told Kevin that he didn't even have money to buy diapers or formula so he would need to borrow money from us to do that. He said he was living in a run down trailer in a terrible section of Indianapolis. The mother didn't care.
    As we pleaded and begged with her to please let us take the baby home where she would have everything she ever needed and most of what she wanted in life, her mind was made up. Our attorney's told us not to worry too much because they were sure that she would come to her senses and we would end up with the angel.
    That day, I left heartbroken, sobbing and wondering why would God take away another daughter from me??? Now, I realize that God has a plan and His plan is always perfect. I didn't see that on that day.
    We never did get to bring that precious little girl into our family. We had three other failed adoptions following that day. Just when I had decided that I couldn't take the roller coaster ride of adoption anymore, our attorney called. A long story it is, but God had another little girl in mind for us. Her name was Cassidie and if we would have stopped after those first failed adoptions, we wouldn't have the amazing blessing that I see everyday. Cassidie has autism, something that is different than I could have ever imagined dealing with, but she has opened our eyes to a whole new world. We thank God everyday for Cassidie and for failed adoptions. We can't imagine our life without her. His timing is perfect! I will be praying for your perfect family.

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  2. WOW! Your story gave me chills!! I'm so sorry you had to deal with multiple heartbreaks. On top of losing Carissa, it must have been excruciating. :( But I'm so glad that your story has a happy ending!! You were truly meant to be Cassidie's parents, and God knew all along. Adoption definitely is a roller-coaster of emotion. Praying and trusting in God's plan for our family too. :)
    -Becky

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